The plot for my CG film

General Forums Off-topic Chat
1

Critiques and Suggestions are welcome.

Chapter 1:Unknown Forces

It was another nice day on Fort Patterson when an unknown army showed up.

Jason:“Sir, I got something on radar. There is something out there and it reached our territory . Looks like an army preparing to attack”

Edward:“It’s the rebels.I knew it. Villagers told me about Kane, their leader.”

Malcolm:“Why are they doing?”

Edward:“They want total control of the area and enslave the villagers.They sworn to destroy any military in the area”

Malcolm:“If they want war, they will have war! People, get ready for war.”

Edward:“Roger!”

Edward:“Listen, the rebels are preparing for a siege. They are almost near our gates. Grab your gear and prepare for battle. It’s about time we kicked this revolution into overdrive”

Josh:“Kane is back again?”

Edward:“Yeah. He wants total control of the area.”

Edward:“Jim, get your pilots ready. I’ll call you when I need air support.”

Jim:“Ready when you are!”

Edward:“Excellent!”

Edward went to his men

Edward:“Yo! Saddle Up! Lock and load! Let’s moveout!”

The men left the fort.

Nick:“Are we gonna die?”

Edward:“We’re gonna die, I’ll gonna die, you’re gonna die, we’re all gonna die, just not today! Keep it positive Nick.”

Nick:“Alright sarge.”

Edward’s men took cover on the bushes and awaits to ambush the enemy.

Josh:“Now, we wait.”

Edward:“Stay sharp.”

Josh:“You heard the man, don’t fall asleep just yet.”

Sam:“I had a good sleep last night hey”

Josh:“Then stay focused, I can already hear 'em coming”

The fort is preparing artillery batteries.

Jason: “Startup the defences. Remember to expect the worse.”

James:“North towers ready to rock and roll!”

Jack:“East towers online!”

Jake:“West is up and ready”

Jean:“South towers watching your backs!”

Spec Ops team Raptor Squad is ordered to scout ahead

Laurence:“Alright team listen up. Our job during this conflict is to scout.Satellite will have difficulties scouting over thick canopy. Thermals is not always reliable.We will hide in the shadows and report to command what we saw. Any questions?”
Michael:“Boss, this just sucks.Why can’t we fight in the frontlines?”
Laurence:“We have our orders”
Jake:“Yes sarge why don’t we just go help 'em”
Laurence:“Can it you two! We will be helping them by being scouts for them.”
Leon:“Stealth is my especiality.”
Aaron:“Yeah.Me too”
Laurence:"Alright, grab your gear and move out

Raptor squad went near the conflict.

Jake:“The battle is already underway.”
Laurence:“Stick to the shadows.”
Michael:“The jungle will be rocking tonight.”
Jake:“Yeah. I hope Tarzan will come-out of his hiding and help us out!”
Michael:“What about Kong? We sure need some brute fire power.”
Laurence:“Keep quiet you knuckle heads!”
Jake & Michael:“Alright sarge.”
Aaron:“Why don’t they just send a drone to scout ahead?”
Michael;“I don’t know.”

Edward’s Team commenced attack against the rebels.

Arthur:“Why are we fighting robots?”
Edward:“What? Kane’s army is made out of robots?”
Josh:“Kane’s a Cyborg what do you expect?”
Edward:“Now I understand.”
Arthur:“C’mon you apes. Wanna live forever?”
Tychus:“Jimmy, my shields are down, cover me!”
Jim:“Got you covered.”
Tychus:“Woa! That was close.”
Jim:“Mortar fire…Incoming!”
Tychus:“Hey wait up!”
Jim:“Take cover!”
Tychus:“Send in the artillery. We need artillery sarge.”
Edward:“Command we need artillery support.”
Josh:“On the way…Raptor Team, artillery bombaredment is commencing. Stay clear of the area.”

To be continued

2

You should tell us the plot, not the dialogue.

Is Fort Patterson on a futuristic Earth (or Earth-like planet)? Why the revolution/rebellion? Are the villages a result of a slowly rebuilding society? Don’t need to go into lengthy detail, just set the scene.

“Total control the area, destroy Fort Patterson, and enslave the villagers” isn’t an end-goal, rather objectives to reaching a goal. Kane’s goal must be something, and in order to get it he has to take control of this area by defeating any opposition - so, what is Kane’s goal?

What sort of gear do the soldiers have, projectile guns? Energy weapons? What do the towers do? How do the aircraft fly? Again, you don’t need to ramble, just give brief context.

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Look forward to the concept art in due course!

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A film is, first of all, “a story.” Every story involves some hero who is dumped into a situation that he doesn’t initially understand, then understands it, then defeats it. Even Big Buck Bunny is just such a story.

You need to first decide exactly what your story is. Then, since film is visual storytelling, it must be broken down into a series of visually-comprehensible scenes, which show (“don’t tell”) the story as it is taking place.

What you’ve written here is just a couple of rambling scene descriptions. Furthermore, within those scenes, the characters are talking to one another as a way of exposition to the viewer as to what’s going on and why. Scenes in this medium need to show almost everything and require that almost nothing be said in order to understand them.

And as to what it will take to “put on the show?” It’s best not to think in terms of Pixar. There are lots of technical ways to put on a compelling show. So, first you need an absolutely terrific story. Tell us. What is your story?

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Look forward to the story, and the concept art in due course!

6

Ok, I’ll re-write that soon. I will go the good old “Rambo Way” then. The hero will be Edward da Silva where his team of Navy SEALs are on a mission to rescue hostage missionaries. I’ll post the new story here. That one above will serve as an intro.

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Well, please don’t post another scene.

“A team of Navy SEALs on a mission to rescue hostages” is, uhhh, a shoot-em-up video-game at best. Bang bang boom, lots of shouting and flashes of light, terrified hostages running for the chopper (which lifts-off just in time and is magically bulletproof) … the usual schtick. Not a story, and quite frankly, we don’t need to see it.

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No, they don’t need choppers. They will use a drone that shoots smoke grenades to mask the hostages extraction. Extraction by APC.
It will be a joint operations between U.N. Defense Force Special Forces Division and the Vietnamese army. The hostages are being held at a rebel camp and it is up to the 3 man SEAL team to rescue them.

I will only make the film for my self but I want corrective critiques.

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Two major corrections are needed right off the bat.

One: The UN itself has no formal military entity, and most definitely has no special forces division. Two: Navy SEALS never work in only 3-man teams. The smallest Navy unit is a fireteam, which consists of 4 SEALs, and the smallest operational unit is a squad, which consists of 2 fireteams.

I’m a stickler for military accuracy, since I’m a milsim airsofter and writing the screenplay for a feature-length contemporary war drama.

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I don’t disagree with you, but did you read the part where the main antagonist was a cyborg leading an army of robots? I don’t think a 3-man camouflage-bikini clad Amazonian huntress UN Special Forces SEAL team is going to the most unbelievable part of the story.

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Further Revisions

Operation Jail Break

The US Navy sent a 4 man SEAL team to Vietnam to aid the Vietnamese Army on rescueing 5 American missionaries being held hostage at a rebel camp deep in the jungle.

0700 hours

The team arrived at the Vietnamese Army camp where they are briefed about the jungle terrain and the situation.

Laurence:"The Vietnamese Army reported sightings of a missionary group being loaded on a truck when the rebels attacked ‘Sundayrei’ a small village located near a rebel camp.They are now being held for ransom at the camp.

It is our mission to bring them back safe and sound. We will proceed along the river and then into the jungle to locate the camp.We will radio the Vietnamese Army for backup when the hostages are secured.

This is a covert mission. Maintain stealth at all cost.The rebels can’t know where here or they will begin killing the hostages.

I marked the rebel camp’s GPS coordinates on your tactical maps. This is a jungle terrain with heavy vegetation. Use it to your advantage but watchout for IEDs scattered by rebels at some parts of the jungle.

Any questions?"

Edward:“Who are these 5 missionaries?”

Laurence:“The group composed of 4 females and 1 male.They are distributing food and medical supplies to the locals when the rebels attacked. The whole village was burned.”

Edward:“Sad story.”

Michael:"Another masacre. So will we be inserted by boat or helicopter? "

Sam:“They say there are rebel patrol boats along the riverbanks.”

Michael:“So we just stick to the woods along the river?”

Laurence:“No, we will swim along the river.”

Michael:“What? You gotta be kidding.”

Laurence:“These suits have thrusters that can propel the suit at a decent speed even while underwater. I’ll activate them once we are in the river.”

Michael:“Sounds stealthy, alot more stealthy. But I think we better be wearing bikini suits.”

Sam:“Yeah, imagine a 4 man bikini clad team swimming in the river as if they where on marathon.”

Laurence:“Can it you two! Pay attention.”

Michael:"There where just 4 of us. We can’t take on entire camp!

Laurence:“Team, remember your training. Strength doesn’t always come in numbers.We have a C-130 gunship ready to rock and roll.”

Laurence:“General Thong, I’ll radio you when we arrived at the camp. We need an APC for extraction.”

Thong:“Roger.I’ll tell the men to prepare the APC.”

Laurence:“It was nice working with you general.”

Thong:“Thank you.”

The SEAL team went to the river, dived in the water and swam along the river until they reach the jungle where the rebel camp resides."

Edward:“Michael, launch the drone”

Michael:“There goes our the bird.”

Laurence:“Alright team, let’s dive.I activated the thrusters.Use the tac maps on your hud.”

Edward:“There are lots of debris in this river”

Michael:“Yeah, probably remnants of the Vietnam war back in the 60s.”

Sam:“Edward, have you watched the movie, Rambo?”

Edward:“Yeah and the events portayed there are coincidental to our situation right now.”

Laurence:“Patrol boat inbound. Either sink it or sneak past it. Your call.”

Michael:“Let’s sneak past it.Let the C-130 gunship deal with these rebel patrol boats.”

The team reached the jungle where the rebel camp resides.They encountered the now burned out village “Sundayrei”

Michael:"I see dead people. "

Sam:“Maggots.Lot’s of maggots.”

To be continued…